I’ve recently completed another trip around the sun. If there is anything I’ve learnt as I get older, it’s this: most wisdom cannot be taught; it only comes through experience. I wish that weren’t the case, that there were a way to glide over the inevitable bruises gathered throughout the journey. Good books, conversations, and guides can help. Knowledge is power, but its practicality is limited by how much we understand ourselves and the world around us. Intellectualising wisdom and internalising wisdom are not the same.
Looking back over my life, like everyone I’m sure, there are choices I would now alter. Relationships I would’ve handled differently. Work I would’ve managed much better. Joy I would’ve felt more deeply. Frustrations I would’ve let go of sooner. I now have the tools to handle what I couldn’t a few years ago. Some of my newfound wisdom came from exposure to different ideas and ways of being. Most came from grappling with the realities of adult living. I don’t pretend to have developed deep reserves of wisdom, but here are a few lessons I’ve learnt along the way:
1.You Can Only Receive the Message When You’re Ready
It’s really difficult to watch people you care about make poor life decisions. I’ve felt the literal physical urge to shake common sense into someone (don’t worry, I didn’t). I’m sure people have felt the same about me. We filter life through the prism of our unique experiences. That is why specific events can impact people so differently. Sometimes our filters can be warped through a lack of experience or a negative one. You can repeat or be told a piece of wisdom over and over again, and yet it doesn’t sink in. I’ve come to realise that most wisdom cannot be absorbed until we resonate with it. Timing matters. The messenger can make a difference, but ultimately we must be ready to receive the message. This readiness usually comes when an existing belief has been incinerated, cracking open a part of us tendered by some life experience.
2.Beware Learning the Wrong Lesson
It’s really easy to learn the wrong lesson from our experiences. When we experience a failure (or a perceived one)—a broken relationship, a collapsed business, a creative project torn apart by critics—we can calcify in our pain. We can choose to retreat, sink into feelings of unworthiness, fester in anger, or become envoys of distrust and bitterness. Often, perspective comes as the pain eases with the passage of time, but not always. We can learn the wrong lessons from the environment we grew up in or currently operate in. I’m sure many of us had to unlearn unhelpful traits developed in our childhoods or less pleasant jobs. If you find yourself repeating a life pattern that you’re unhappy with (never trusting people because of X, always ending up with “terrible” managers because they are Y, or never being able to do the thing you want because of Z), then chances are you have learnt the wrong lesson along the way and it’s time to revisit it.
3.Heed Where Wisdom Collates
When it comes to life advice, most of the big stuff tends to be the same regardless of the source. Your health is indeed your wealth. The quality of your life is very much determined by the quality of your relationships. Your thoughts do determine your reality, and yes, life is more impacted by how you react to events than the events themselves. Read any ancient philosopher and you’ll find that a lot of wisdom is timeless. This is generally the advice you want to listen to. However, many of the questions of modern life don’t neatly fall into “big” buckets. Where wisdom dissipates, often the only answer is to figure out your own way. Many people will have strong opinions on the type of career you should pursue, the lifestyle you should lead, and the activities that are worthy of spending time on. They may be well-meaning, but they are mostly irrelevant. You are the only person who can determine what a meaningful life looks like for you. You are the only person who can decide if you will try to live it.
This was a really touching, thoughtful, and well-written piece. It is really difficult to speak about universal life lessons from a broad, inclusive perspective, but you have captured it with humility and forthrightness that stems from a place of calm observation. Thank you for your insight and vulnerability.